People often ask me how to become more sexually confident.

I know what it’s like. I got messages growing up that sex caused problems, that it was a commodity, and that it needed to be kept a secret. I lacked a lot of confidence and was shame-filled, so I allowed myself to be in situations that demeaned me. In fact, sex can cause problems. It can also be the most powerful and loving act on earth! The body is a work of art to be cherished.

It’s true, sex can be used as a commodity, bought and sold in the marketplace as a dispensable product for consumption like wheat, oil, and coal, no differentiation from one body to the next or one sexual encounter to the other. Sex in this sense is a generic act that discharges energy rather than a creative force that brings you new energy. You can knock boots with any old body, but if you want level 10 satisfaction, you got to bring your soul into it! Not anyone else's soul, your soul! No one on Earth brings to the sexual experience what you do.

Sex can be kept secret, though closeted taboo relationships lead to guilt, shame, and disease. Your sexual desire indicates health and wellbeing. Is it difficult for you to take a whiff of the fresh spring air after it rains? What about enjoying a savory meal, or jamming to a great song when you hear it? You’re already doing what you’re designed to do. Sex is no different. It’s so easy you can’t believe it.

Here are three ways to become more sexually confident:

Red Lips

First – Make sure you are with a partner who is worthy of your love. Confidence comes when you are cherished by your partner. If the person you’re with doesn’t want to be in a committed, soulful partnership with you, then they are not worthy of your love.

Second – Bring your attention out of your mind and into your heart and bodily sensations.  Focus on what feels good to you and what makes your partner feel good.

Third – Blindfold the mug, with their permission of course, to get over the hump (pun intended) and have your way with him or her without feeling the need to feel self-conscious.

Confidence is an attitude! The more positive you are about yourself, others, life, and sex, the more you will enjoy it.  The solution is never as big as problem!


Heather Hans, LCSW, MSW, MBA, CPIC, is a Visionary, Healer & Teacher, and the author of The Heart of Self-Love: How to Radiate with ConfidenceIt is Heather's firm belief that loving oneself is necessary to have fulfilling relationships and a successful life.  Join Heather’s 30-Day confidence challenge at